Depressed

If you don't want to hear all my complaints, you shouldn't read this post! Haha! Just a warning!

So, I've started babysitting a little boy and couldn't ask for a better schedule or hours, but so far it has been TOUGH! He is 16 months old and the cutest little thing, but we have been struggling. He has to be rocked to sleep and when I try and lay him down, he pops back awake and won't settle back in unless I hold him (his Mom told me that they all take naps in bed together, so I don't know what I am going to do about naps). I can tell he is so tired too because he follows me around crying and rubbing his eyes, but he won't nap for me and I can't hold him in the other room for quiet while he sleeps, because my own kids need me too. And he can climb out of the travel crib I've been using for him to sleep in. I am amazed at all the things he can climb on even though he is so little!

Gracie asked me why I babysit him every day (it's only 2 or 3 days a week from 7 to 2), Cooper has become a terror, and Olivia screams if she sees me holding him, and he screams if he sees me holding her. Lindsey asked me if I was going to babysit him on her birthday (Monday) and I said yes and she got the saddest look on her face and lowered her head. It broke my heart! And he has been crying lately when his Dad drops him off and I feel horrible! I can tell his Dad feels bad too. This morning he was crying and his Dad said, "Is it ok if I go?" I could tell he was worried about leaving him when he was so upset. I don't want to quit on them already though.

Then there are times when he is happy and laughing and playing with the kids and I think it will all work out. So hopefully everyone adjusts to the routine and we get along better. It's only been a week.

I started being an Activity Days Leader in January and tonight was my last night, due to a new calling, but I always felt like I didn't really do the job, if that makes sense. I just feel like I have nothing left to offer, and I could really tell that my desire just wasn't there. I didn't want to listen to the girls ramblings at activities and I didn't go out of my way to get to know them like I should have.

And . . . I don't even have my own facebook account, but just by looking on there through Tim's facebook, I always get so depressed! I hate to admit it, but instead of feeling happy for people when I see all the fun things they are doing, etc. I get jealous. What is wrong with me? I see pictures of people from my ward doing fun things together and I get jealous and I see pictures of my family doing fun things and I get jealous that I don't get to be there too.

I'm just struggling to be happy lately and I hate that Gracie is starting school next week and I feel like I missed out on so much joy that could have been in her first five years of life, and now it is too late, because she'll be at school all day. I feel like the past five - six years of my life have been a stressful, chaotic blur. I guess that is understandable considering that I have had baby after baby and moved back and forth across the country.

Why can't I just be happy and grateful for all of my blessings!?! Because I know they are many!!!

I also have to laugh at my craziness because my last two post titles have been "My Cup Runneth Over" and then "Depressed". I've got problems!